Because sometimes the hardest stories to tell are the ones that shape us the most.
The First Year: Where Hope Meets Overwhelm
I walked in full of passion. I walked out questioning everything.
When I think back to my first year of teaching, I don’t remember perfectly organized lesson plans or beautifully decorated bulletin boards. I remember exhaustion. Doubt. Long nights wondering if I was actually helping anyone at all.
The kicker…it wasn’t even a full year! I was hired to cover a maternity leave position. Let me give you some background history on how I landed at this school.
As a teacher, at least in NJ, you have to complete a semester of student teaching. Basically, you shadow a teacher for a few months and “learn” how it’s all done. To be honest, if you don’t know what you’re doing by the time you start student teaching, you probably shouldn’t be a teacher at all! In fact…you truly don’t learn HOW to be a teacher throughout ANY of your schooling. You’re either meant to be a teacher or not.
ANYWAYS!
I did my student teaching at the elementary school in my town…which was the only elementary school IN our town. I know that in Utah, there are multiple schools because well…there’s so many of you!
I walked into my classroom full of passion and purpose—but also fear. I wanted to be the teacher who made a difference, the one students felt safe with, seen by, understood by. But no one prepares you for how heavy that responsibility can feel when you’re standing alone in front of a room of children who all carry their own stories, struggles, and needs.
That first year taught me more than any textbook ever could.
I had a student with ODD AKA Oppositional Defiant Disorder…and boy was that fun. He basically just lost his sh*t a few times a day. He was a great kid though; most kids who have behavioral needs are usually pretty great kids.
When Temporary Turns Into Heartbreak
When you give everything…and still aren’t enough.
Now…I loved this job and I loved this school, but I knew it was just a temporary position. But I also knew that if I made a good enough impression, I had a better chance of becoming a full-time employee if something opened up.
Boy was I wrong.
Come August, nothing had opened up and I needed to look elsewhere. Which brings me to school #2…but when something DID open up at that school…I still didn’t get in and man did that hurt!
School #2: Where Confidence Crumbled
This is where I learned what survival mode really felt like.
The next school was grades 3–8. I NEVER wanted to teach middle school…but I really didn’t have a choice. It was 5th–8th grade resource math. I LOVE math but I never wanted to teach it!
I had a few different classes throughout the day. Most classes had multiple grade levels, so that was a challenge in itself. I remember crying a lot during my first month and I even thought about quitting because that is how uncomfortable I felt teaching these kids.
I was a second-year teacher trying to teach kids who made it extremely clear that they didn’t give two sh*ts about what I was saying or trying to teach.
I somehow survived an entire year, but I’m pretty sure I was miserable every single day.
The Salary Shock No One Warns You About
Doing more. Giving more. Earning less.
OH — I also have to note that I was making about $10k LESS than what I was making the year prior.
For some really strange and unfortunate reason, this district, which has only two schools, has one of the lowest salary guides. So when I said I wanted to quit…this was another HUGE reason.
Finding My Footing in Special Education
Sometimes the kids who need the most give the most back.
Years two and three were a little better because I took over a special needs classroom and those kids were actually NICE. There were maybe five kids total, with varying needs.
One thing I will say about ALL school districts I’ve worked in is that there are almost ALWAYS kids who should be placed out of district and into a school or program that can better meet their needs.
However, the reason most districts don’t follow through is because of…money.
It doesn’t matter that the staff can’t “handle” the child or that they aren’t reaching their fullest potential. It almost always comes down to money.
I wonder if it’s like that in Utah as well…let me know!
The Leap of Faith
When opportunity knocks, sometimes it drags you by the hand.
I made some amazing friendships at this school and I still keep in touch with many of them! But after three years, a position opened up at a more affluent district where I’d be making about $15k more than what I was currently making — so I couldn’t say no…and off I went.
School District #3: The Dream That Became a Nightmare
This was supposed to be my forever district. Instead, it nearly broke me.
Enter school district #3. This one was a doozy.
I thought I had landed at a dream district where I would end up retiring…but BOY WAS I WRONG. It nearly ended my entire teaching career.
This district had seven schools total: five elementary schools, a middle school, and the high school.
The Calm Before the Storm
Before everything fell apart, there was hope.
I’ll begin with the first school I was in. I loved it. The greatest part about teaching there was that my friend from college was working there. The position was a K–2 Behavioral Disabilities classroom.
These kids were both amazing and WILD at the same time — and damn did it age me.
The principal was great, the staff were pretty awesome, and I thought the Special Ed department wasn’t half bad. I poured my heart into this school and into this program and genuinely loved it.
When Everything Changed Overnight
Sometimes your entire world shifts…without warning.
At the end of year two, they decided to move my program to one of the other elementary schools. We were devastated. We didn’t want to leave our friends, the staff, or the building, and we tried to fight it…but who were we to decide? Little nobodies.
So off we go.
I moved classrooms over the summer. I met the new principal, who was also new. I spent basically my entire summer there getting the rooms ready for us.
However…I could have never anticipated what would go down in the year to come. This woman turned out to be the devil herself.
The Part I Still Carry
Some experiences don’t fade. They live inside you.
I won’t get too much into detail because I truly do have some PTSD about this part of my life.
In a nutshell, we had a room — a closet if you will — that was padded from floor to ceiling. It was called “Safe Space,” and it was intended to be used when students became so behavioral and unsafe that they needed a secure place to calm down.
There were guidelines for when it was appropriate to use the room and how to use it and yada yada yada.
I had a laundry list of complaints that I raised to admin about the safety of this room. Think anyone ever listened?
NOPE.
Playing the Game for Survival
When staying silent feels safer than speaking up.
Now…I don’t know how it works in Utah, but in NJ, you have to be working at your school for four years and a day (so your fifth year) to become what we call tenured.
It’s basically job security. Once you get tenured, it is hard to be let go — unless you do something awful.
So, I played by the rules. I agreed to things I didn’t agree with, because, well…I wanted to get tenure.
To Be Continued…
Because some stories take time to tell.
My hands are tired of typing, my brain hurts, and to be quite honest, writing about this is difficult…
So…come back in two weeks for part 2!
