Being adopted I am super interested in the stories of others, but never have I asked birth mother’s about their stories. Because of that today I share a story from my friend that has an open adoption, what going through it all was like and what her feelings are about it.
Let me introduce you to my friend Marnell. We’ve been friends since junior high and after reading her story I applaud her choice.
I first found out I was pregnant in the beginning of February 2000. At the time I was 17 and already had my 7 month old daughter. As you can imagine, I was shocked and scared to be pregnant again at such a young age.
I hid my second pregnancy from my family and most of my friends until I decided what I was going to do. In May of 2000 I decided having an abortion was the best option because I could barely take care of myself, my daughter and to add a new born in the mix would be almost impossible. I made my appointment and headed down to the doctor appointment.
While sitting in the waiting room—scared out of my mind, I kept asking myself if I was crazy. Finally it was my turn to go in the back room. The doctors were so nice and tried to make me feel comfortable under the circumstances.
When the doctor finally asked me “do you have any questions?” I replied “YES! Can I please make one phone call?” At that moment I called my mom in tears. Because of the caller ID box, she knew right away I was at a women’s clinic.
My mom simply said, “Sweetheart we will get through this, but please do not have an abortion”. That was all she had to say. I told the doctor I was leaving and I would not be coming back. That moment I knew adoption was going to be my final decision.
In June of 2000, I met with the Children’s Service Society of Utah and went over all my options for placing my child (son) for adoption. I got to look at hundreds of parent profiles and pictures of families who were looking to adopt for one reason or another. This is what I felt in my heart I was supposed to be doing; helping a family who want to have a child.
I got to fill out all my information and everything I personally was looking for in a family and what my expectations were. Open adoption, I felt, was the best choice for my situation. I wanted someday to have contact with my son for myself and my daughter.
The agency matched three families with everything I was looking for. I got to meet with each family individually, talk with them and ask every question my heart desired. All this while my best friend stood right by me holding my hand.
The families were all so nice and even a little nervous which was cute. Once the second family left, it was time to meet my third family. I walked into the room with my best friend Kim still by my side and just smiled from ear to ear. I felt something amazing when I met them and my heart told me they were going to become great parents to my son.
You know, I asked all the families the exact same questions, and one question that I felt was very important was “if by chance this baby is handicapped in any way, will you still want to adopt him or her?” (I hadn’t chose a family yet, I did not disclose the sex of my baby).
With that question, the first two families hesitated before answering, however my third family with no hesitation said, “If I was pregnant and my baby was handicapped I would love him/her the exact same as any of our other children” and with that it was done. I loved this family and I knew my son would love them too.
At that time I was not going to tell them yet I had chosen them because I had to make sure based on all the other families that I was making the right choice, after all it was a huge life changing decision I was about to make.
A couple weeks later, my best friend Kim and I met with the third family at a park, had a picnic and played games. I then at that time asked them, “Would you be the parents for my baby BOY when I give birth to him?” They replied “YES YES YES!” Tears of joy from all were flowing continuously. It was a happy moment for them indeed.
October 1, 2000 I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy ever. I got to spend four days with him before signing all the legal documents and placing my son into the arms of his new family. At that very moment the whole world around me stood still—everything froze in that moment, except the tears rolling downs my face. It was a mixture of sad and happy tears. I knew my baby boy was getting so much more for his life than I was able to give him.
His new family is amazing—sweet people. The family and I agreed on a full open adoption, especially for the first five years because they understood how it could be hard for me during that time. They were very welcoming to my daughter and I, and what my wishes were. We met at a park once a year for the first five years and wrote letters four to five times a year.
Everything had to be done through the adoption agency. I didn’t know where they lived or any personal information, which I was okay with. When he was about seven the family asked me if I was okay cutting the agency out completely. This meant just writing and emailing directly to each other when needed. I was alright with that because it made things easier.
The family has always been completely open and honest to him. So he knew who I was and that he was adopted. He has always called me “birth mom Marnell” and has always been open to me with any questions he has ever had. Now that he is 16, he has his own email address and he emails me whenever he wants. We always send each other little gifts for birthdays and holidays.
Adoption isn’t for everyone however for me it was. But I don’t regret my decision at all. I am very proud of the young man he has grown up to be. His looks came from me and his family has given him everything else. He is a smart, respectful, talented and handsome boy.
Having an open adoption for me personally has been amazing. It helped me deal with the process of adoption and knowing he would no longer be mine. I still get to see how my son has grown up, what hobbies he likes, how school is going and all his likes and dislikes. I am his birth mom and that will never change. But his mom is his mom and his dad is his dad. Being a mother already to one child before having my son and deciding to place him up for adoption was so hard. For me, deciding on an open adoption worked best.
If I could give advice to anyone who is thinking about an open adoption would be, really be “open”. Deciding to place a child for adoption was not easy. Although my circumstance sounds easy and perfect, there were really hard times. I say to have an open mind on what the family’s needs are when it comes to your child. Always have their best interests at heart, not your own. I say that because they will be mom and dad. They will raise your son or daughter as their own because he or she will be their child. Always remember having an open adoption is the family’s final decision. It’s an amazing privilege for them to give to you. If you are able to see and understand an open adoption then it truly is a great thing, personally.
I want to thank Marnell for sharing her amazing story. And to all the amazing birth mothers out there, thank you. It’s hard, but at the end of the day it’s worth it, I know—I was adopted.
