When are you going to get married? When are you going to have a baby? When is baby number two going to get here? Have you ever wondered why people ask these questions that really are none of their business? To me it has always been so crazy that we get asked these questions and think nothing of it.
Before I was married I had dated girls for a long time (like 3-4 years). I would get asked on a regular basis, “When are you going to get married?” Well, there are lots of things to think about before getting married. Is she the right person for me? Could I see myself with this person for eternity? What things bother me (big or small) that actually keeping me from making the commitment? What do I have to offer the other person that would make them better and vise versa?
Utah has the reputation for getting married young and starting our families at such a young age. I didn’t want to be another number to the madness. Plus, I had a lot of friends that weren’t happy. They felt like they had jumped into marriage too fast and felt like they had changed a lot. I knew I had a lot of things I needed to do before getting married. I was a selfish person and just wanted to do things on my own time table.
One day I decided that I was ready. I said to myself, “Rodrigo” that’s what I call myself, “it’s time to step it up and try meeting new people, venturing out and settling down.” I had lived in another state, finished school, dated plenty of girls knowing what I was wanting and was ready. It was then that I met my wife who was the perfect fit and four months later we were married. Once it’s right it doesn’t take long to get things done.
Now most people want to have a year, or six, before starting to have kids because they want to enjoy life just the two of them. We knew that if we were going to wait it wouldn’t be long because we didn’t know if we could have kids and why wait if that is what we were wanting. But instantly after getting married people would ask when? When are you going to start having kids? Don’t worry about it. I’ll happen and we’ll be sure to let you know the second it happens.
It’s funny because it’s as if people need to be there for the conception of something. You know, to make sure you’re doing everything right. I am pretty sure I had taken plenty of health and anatomy classes to know how it works. We’re both adults and can put two and two together. And 10 months after we were married we welcomed our adorable little son.
When will you try to have another? People, we need time to figure out if we like having one. Parenting doesn’t come with any instructions. It comes with people telling you what they did. Now this is great because as people tell me how to raise my kid, I look at their kids and see how they turned out. So if your kids didn’t turn out that great, maybe don’t be coming to me telling me how to raise mine. We all figure it out eventually. So maybe I freak out when my son picks up the dirty spoon by the Café Rio garbage can, sticks it in his mouth and I scream “NOOOOOO!!!!” That is disgusting and I don’t want him doing that. But don’t turn to me saying that it’ll build his immune system. So will licking the gutters, but I don’t take him down the streets to get that done.
I think people just want to help and remember what it was like to go through raising kids themselves. It’s hard and they are thinking that they are being helpful. We all figure it out and our kids eventually turn out to be okay, or above average.
As for asking when the next is coming and when you’re going to try and have another one I think needs to just be a discussion between the two consenting adults. It’s their choice to increase the number of family members they want. And when I tell you that we are going to have four kids don’t freak out. People did it all the time in the 50s, so we can do it too.
This week on the blog you will see different perspectives from individuals who have had and currently have infertility issues. They will talk about their experiences, share advice and give suggestions on appropriate conversation topics. It doesn’t matter if you have one or five kids if you are wanting more and are still not expecting it is heart breaking to hear others comments. So if anything this week I hope to educate you on the subject matter and share some real life experiences. Believe me, you won’t want to miss this!